_FuNNy*_

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. Josh Billings


A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck


A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw


A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. Groucho Marx


A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope


A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. H. L. Mencken


A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright


A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra


A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby


Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you. Satchel Paige


Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx


All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel


All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. Charles M. Schulz


Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby


Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx


As I get older, I just prefer to knit. Tracey Ullman


Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward. Marilyn vos Savant


Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West


Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. Bette Davis


By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain


California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen


Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright


Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright


Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Jay Leno


Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns


Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley


Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin


Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. Josh Billings


Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke


Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright


Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. Victor Hugo


Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby


Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz


For your information, I would like to ask a question. Samuel Goldwyn


Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain


God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Naguib Mahfouz


Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns


Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Marilyn vos Savant


He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor


He would make a lovely corpse. Charles Dickens


Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Mark Twain


Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. Bill Cosby


I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin



I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. W. C. Fields


I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen


I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. Stephen King


I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright


I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright


I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery. Paul Lynde


I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields


I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. Imelda Marcos


I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis


I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone


I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry


I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn


I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg


I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen


I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield


I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger


I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz



I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge


I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley


I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield


I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright


I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers


I like children - fried. W. C. Fields


I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen


I like marriage. The idea. Toni Morrison


I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield


I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. Walt Disney


I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields


I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Will Rogers


I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra


I rant, therefore I am. Dennis Miller


I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx


I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde


I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. George Burns


I think serial monogamy says it all. Tracey Ullman


I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West


I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx


I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips


I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips


I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. Woody Allen


I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg


I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner


I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand Russell


I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov


I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis


I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. Mercedes McCambridge


I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Carl Sandburg


I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more. James Brown


I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. Dennis Miller


I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Will Rogers


If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Quentin Crisp


If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers


If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin


If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen


If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin


If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter


If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer. Yogi Berra


In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin


In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner


It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London


It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry


It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. H. L. Mencken


Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers. P. J. O'Rourke


Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn


Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx


Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. Henry A. Kissinger


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen


Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. Marlene Dietrich


My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. Emo Philips


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg


My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic. Spike Milligan


My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres


My inner child is not wounded. Shannen Doherty


My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers


Never fight an inanimate object. P. J. O'Rourke


Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers


Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck


Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben


Never wear anything that panics the cat. P. J. O'Rourke


Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken


O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. Saint Augustine


Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food. George Bernard Shaw


Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben


One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Rowland


Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter


Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Lewis Mumford


Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Samuel Butler


Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres